Your friend and humble narrator finally figured out how to use the Blogger API to import stuff over to an HTML file on his site and, in the process, wrote his first successful forEach loop! Now, I won't sit here and tell you that I'm a genius or anything. I will strongly imply it, though.
I'm only mildly ashamed to admit that I went crawling to Will, the gentleman from my first post, for help after banging my head on the problem for a few days. Imagine my relief when he struggled with it himself. Now that I've managed to get it working before him, my success feels even more triumphant! WHO'S THE BRILLIANT JAVASCRIPT DEVELOPER NOW, WILLIAM!? Okay, fine, still not me, but I'm still chalking this up as a win in the ol' Keith column!